Today class got a little creative
I was expecting 90 minutes of holding
Poses working against my ego to force
Me into focus of the moment
Next thing I know I’m back at a
12-step meeting, but only allowed to
talk about my top lines. I don’t really
talk about myself in a positive light
all that much. I’ve been too focused
on others’ darkness. Turns out I
still think I’m good in bed, whether or
not its with him. Turns out my salvation
is doing what I’m doing right now
Free-form, whatever it turns into
Winging gracefully. Top-line discussion
Becomes a mudra, a mudra becomes
Dance, a dance becomes tai-Bo.
From running away to running to
Punching in tandem.
“Who are you punching in the face right now?”
The answer was easy.
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to smack his
Smile to be crooked, so when he smiled
He could never fool another girl again
That he was a straight-chaser. I wanted
To punch his lips swollen shut, so
I could never kiss them again, even
If I wanted to. Which I haven’t wanted to
Not all that much, at least. I wanted to punch
His throat, so violatently that he could never
Speak lies to me or about me or about any
Girl he ever fooled anyone to think he
Was simply a victim to. I wanted to
Break his hands, so he could stop
Hypnotizing us with his talents that
We were misdirected and lost the
Attention to his broken promises.
The only promises I’ve ever seen him
Keep, were to those who could boost
His image higher – because he needed
It to be bigger than others. He needed
It to be bigger than mine. I remember
Whenever I started to get my life together
He looked a bit scared. Shocked, Surprised,
Even. It’s clear he wanted to ruin my
Life. Something about his prancing and
Pawing around his obligations to suit
So perfectly to conflict with mine,
I saw it in the way he always shifted his
Eyes. I saw it in the ways that he would get
Upset and angry when I looked at him
And saw him. No one had seen his tricks
For what they were. But I did. So yeah.
I wasn’t very mindful, or in a love state,
Exactly. My practice became my revenge.
DANCE! FEEL your body in these movements.
I felt it. It felt good. The punching started again.
This time, I was like Rocky Balboa. I was
Punching into my healing. I was a champion
In getting better. I didn’t need for him to
Be destroyed for me to be healthy and in
Doing the WORK. Yes, it is WORK,
I am becoming reborn.
I looked towards hope. Towards what I wanted
Peace. Peace in the not giving a fuck
What someone who can’t be honest with him-
Self even, says to me, thinks about me.
Consciousness so far from his reality
That my reality has elevated to a point
Where the past becomes this distant
Dream, a means to the growth, the growth
That took off like a rocket when I realized
That he was wrong in every way. I deserved
Better. Because I was better. Because
Despite what he would have me think
And feel to make himself feel taller
Than me, I am worthy. I amworthy of
This hyper new-agey love. And FUCK
Anyone who tries to judge the steps,
The mudra, the tapping, the dance.
This is where I grow, this is where I
Choose to love, anyways. This is where
I release the pain that wasn’t ever mine
To begin with. The pain I took on at
Birth from my birth mother, the pain I
took on in my youth from my father
The pain I took on from during my
adolescence from bullies
The pain I took on in my twenties from
My lovers, now finally, at 30, the pain
I took on from the one. Yes, he was the one.
The love of my life. My old life.
The love that killed me, and showed me
That that life is now done. It has been lived
Hard, lived hard and fast and as best as it
Could have been. Now is when recognize
That it’s all burned down. Now is when I
Am truly born – from the ashes.