Photos taken and words written on September 29, 2019 inside my friend Fern’s apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
How different this sunrise is from the last one.
I’m sitting on a velvet couch
I’m not limited by ink since my phone is charged
I’m just looking forward to bagels and coffee
And fall is officially here in Brooklyn
I wasted a bit of time because I found her profile
You really do have a habit of ping-ponging
Off of relationships, don’t you
What happens when your ball falls off the table?
And I’m not innocent.
I hunt to find another in a state of ego
I search for weakness to show myself that I’m the lucky one
I’m the one who escaped and left you with a realization that
How you loved was destructive
Searching signs of an aura that casts mirror speckles everywhere.
The habit of seeing yourself everywhere, even where it doesn’t belong.
The self-appointed credits. A puffy jacket to appear larger in real life.
I hope the horse will buck you off – because there are days when I think about
Last January.
The callousness since.
And all that makes sense to me is to tell you to fuck off
I don’t know what to do about this smiling joker yet
I want to go on a fast ride with you – let the mud splash in my face
And get away from yoga, meditation and plant-based diets for a day or a few months
Maybe I just wanna live life with you and stop talking about it so much
Maybe I wanna use you for that fun guy energy.
Maybe I can’t write poetry, and I don’t need to be so insightful.
Maybe if I wasn’t, I’d still have that fake engagement ring.
Every time you talk about a quirk of hers
I have to shut my ego up and tap into the being-ness of listening to the story
Every time you go from flirty to lost in space,
I have to tap into my surroundings and hold gratitude for what is in front of me
Every time you change your mind,
I have to remind myself to never attach to anything.
Every time the details surface through vagueness,
I have déjà vu, and trust what’s shown.
Or I could just strip myself of this drama,
leave the person be who doesn’t want me
And live life without all the challenge
What would life be like with consistency in it?
How would I do with the ease of a salary, friends who show up, a group that plans outings, a healthy digestive system and the reliability of a partner who adores me?
I think sometimes I forget about the end goal, because the process of getting there is so adult.
It’s a part where…
I’m getting my ass up at 5am. I’m applying for jobs, putting myself out there; and on the side working somewhere I don’t love to buy only the necessities.
I have my short and my long term goals, and they don’t change just because I met a distraction.
I’m not worried about losing what I’m letting go of, because I’m more concerned about not having enough space for the end goals.
The journey I will have to be on to escape this chaos of temporary, unsustainable satisfaction does not sound fun.
But it’s also deciding I’m enough, so I can plan without having to wait on new people to enter my world.