Interesting how a song, a note
On a chord can strike me in a
Way that in the middle of getting
Things done I’m right back to this
Place of pushing through the tears
To try and write so I can purge and
Then get back to work.
I tell myself I’m determined
I’m determined to make this work
Because what I’m most afraid of
Is regret that I’ll find out that I
Was wrong this whole time.
So I’ll keep pushing thorugh all of
The pain your love has brought up
In me. I’ll keep taking it and releasing
It because the pain was all ready there
And now it’s just illuminated.
I knew there was something hidden
Laying in the dark, and now your darkness
Has come to light to and we’re so scared
By what we see.
Is this what love does?
I keep wondering if this is necessary to
Truly get to the extent of my evolution
Or maybe I’m just torturing myself and
There’s no need for any of this stuff surface.
I hate seeing you sad and upset
It breaks my heart knowing that you’re still
In pain and I wish I could heal you with my
Love. Maybe I am though. Maybe your healing
Is just painful, and it requires a lot of breaking
Through and bending and contortuing to feel
Like you can walk straight again. Maybe I’m the
Cast holding your limbs in place and it hurts for
Them to be held straight but in the end you’ll
Walk taller and walk for longer because I’ve
Forced you into this uncomfortable position
For a while.
Meanwhile, it hurts me to see you this way
You’re angry and resentful that I’m putting
You in pain, but you know that this limp hasn’t
Really been working out as well as you
Had hoped. Unexpectedly, in the process
Of trying to love you harder, I tried to perfect
You, because what keeps me bending to you
Is a hunchback filled with fears of my past
That if I don’t fix this, and then this and then
This, you’ll bend in another direction that
Doesn’t think or care much for me.
As you begin to stand taller my hunch becomes
More noticeable. We both know that I’m not
Perfect. It’s clear you don’t need plastic surgery.
You don’t need new arms, certainly not new
Hands. You don’t need more hair or a new
Heart. If I try to change everything, you’ll no
Longer be the one I fell to my knees for.
So what I need to do now, is trust that that
Cast is mending, and open doors for you
And grab coffee for you when you need me to
But let it sit there and mend. The work there
Is on it’s way now it’s time for mine.
Physical therapy, focusing on how to reduce
The masses that have built up behind me,
Running the show when I didn’t even ask
For it. If I can start to pull my shoulders back
Heart-forward, I can begin to move through
The world with a sense of self-worth that
Shows I will be okay, I will be okay no
Matter what happens. I will continue to love
And be loved and I don’t need to bend and
Contort anyone else in the process to keep
Doing so. I just have to do the work on the
Mat, at my job, in my apartment, on my lap
Top, and in the moment, every moment of
Every day and remind myself that I AM HERE
All is well. Shoulders back, chest out,
Slowly over time, my hunch will reduce and
As it does my heart will fill up with love.
For myself, for you, for your little every
Day victories and for mine, too.
